Stuck in a rut...

Hi Betsy,
I stumbled upon your website this morning. (I’ve been doing a lot of 80s films recently ha.)
Anyways - I read your posts and you give some genuinely great, informed advice to people. And can I say - you do it in a very kind way as well.
I’m 31. A screenwriter. I got a manager last year and I’m trying to learn how to do the business side of things - you know, take control, be strategic about things, etc. (If you could shed some light on your experience in show business - that would be great too. I’m finding the only way to learn is by getting beaten up and be willing to get beaten up.)
I have to admit - recently, I dunno. I’ve been questioning my hours. My work-life balance. I’m quite tough on myself - because I’m getting older I guess and that big win just seems constantly out of reach. I do 40 hrs before Friday. Then work on Fri, Sat and Sun (just 5 hrs each though - and it can be as simple as reading a script. Just something that moves me forward everyday.)
I believe one should plant seeds everyday. Everyday is important ya’ know. I do morning pages and have done for 4 years.
I’m just gonna quickly plug morning pages ha - https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/oct/03/morning-pages-change-your-life-oliver-burkeman
I believe they give me structure and help chain the unconscious to the conscious and help to get rid of the “garbage” (worries, fear, etc) taking up my mental space.
But yeah, back to my thing - after how many years I just feel stuck in a rut.
I’ve been single since 2008. Or at least haven’t been in a long-term relationship in a long time. To some extent, I feel like I needed to be alone and well - I’m one of those people who feels you don’t need to be with another person to feel complete. I don’t think your self worth should depend on having someone else.
My twenties - I got a lot of work done in that time, however, I often question if it’s made me happy.
Yesterday I ended googling whether it’s healthy to work 50hrs+. (Clearly - it is not.) However I did find one article that said it’s quality not quantity. It’s whether you find the work meaningful.
Back to my non-existent love life - I was somewhat in love with a friend. She was my champion for a few years and it was only two year laters - after we had a catch-up - did I realise that I like-liked her. It’s weird - for years, I’d give her gifts like drawings or poems as birthday and Christmas presents and think nothing of it.
It was however - after not seeing her for a few years and having a catch up (which may I add - was the only day off I had in 2019) did I realize that she perhaps filled a hole. And maybe always did.
Anyways - after a few weeks, I told her about my feelings (despite the fact that she has a boyfriend and is in a very loving relationship.) She let me down gently. I do feel like an asshole for this. However - I do feel like I got some kind of catharsis/closure from telling her and am still glad that I did.
On another note - I used my heartache to write a rom com.
I dunno - I’m probably answering my own question - I need to shake things up, right? Let go of the past? To work less. (The work one is an odd one - I want to keep the train going. Same time - I’m well aware that if I just stop I’ll probably feel very empty. And well… alone.)
Any of your thoughts would be much appreciated.
Whatever you’re doing, have a great day! Stay safe.

Hi Stuart, thanks for your message.

Firstly than you for the compliment! Now. On to business. You’ve got a lot going on (at least it appears so from your note) and you seem conflicted in a few areas which is understandable. Let me see if I have this right. 

You work many hours a week and you’re not sure if it’s healthy or not (which is why you googled it) I’ll answer this first. If your work is something you’re passionate about it won’t feel like work, it will feel like what you need to do as much as breathing. You said you worked a lot in your 20’s but you’re not sure it made you happy. 

My reply is that work alone won’t make us happy. Also I’m guessing you had moments of happiness in there, as well as you probably do now and moments of questioning whether you are truly happy. That’s very normal and I don’t think the statement “I’m happy” means it’s a 24/7 thing. I think it’s a question of do I have the formula to move in and out of low moods (moments of unhappiness) with ease and grace. 

About your friend. How brave of you to tell her how you felt! Just because she didn’t feel the same about you doesn’t mean it was a bad thing to put yourself out there. If you didn’t try you might have always wondered. Also she helped inspire you to write a script, amazing!! You talk about “the big win” being out of reach. What if you could enjoy the journey without any pressure concerning the outcome? What if you could stay in the present and appreciate what you have right now? How would that change what you think about yourself? 

Yes it would be great if we all encouraged ourselves to have more balance in our lives. More fun, more self care, more laughter, more service work etc. but knowing that you could improve in that area is a start. Alison Armstrong (www.understandingmen.com) says men in their 20’s “are in the tunnel.” They are continually working and not thinking too much about relationships. 

Some date in tandem with working a lot, but it isn’t too common. My guess is you will date when you’re ready to settle down. If you felt ready now you would be doing it more. You’ve made a start by talking to your friend about how you felt. The rest should be easy compared to that.  

My father always said “we are where we want to be.” Why beat yourself up about it? When you are ready for a balanced life you will have it! There is no guarantee it will make you happier though. I think we are all too hard on ourselves. I love being a life coach because it gives me the opportunity to be a cheerleader (something I miss from my high school days). 

I get to tell my clients “you’re doing great, start focusing on that!” If you feel stuck in a rut, change things up! Instead of writing at the same time every day at the same place take a walk first thing in the morning or join a gym. Write at a coffee shop or at a park! Start praying or join a bowling league or a book club or have a mixer at your house. Invite your friends and tell them they each need to bring a friend who’s single.  Take up a sport like tennis or jogging. 

There are plenty of ways to make new friends and meet new people. We are all doing the best we can given our level of understanding. Now you have a little more, so go out there ask a few girls out, take a little time off to have some fun and keep writing and doing more of what you love!!!

June 10, 2020